How do I start a conversation with someone whose substance use worries me?

Find the thing you need them to hear

Choose an event you know about rather than trying to prove everything at once. “You missed work twice after drinking” gives you something to discuss. “You don’t care about anything” may express how hurt you feel, but it claims to know their motives. Leave out reports you cannot verify, even if you fear the facts alone will not persuade them.

Write the concern in one or two sentences before speaking. For example: “When you did not arrive to collect the children, I could not reach you. I am worried about their care and about what is happening with your drinking.”

Choose a time when you can both answer

You may want to speak as soon as worry overwhelms you. If either of you is rushing, driving, very impaired or already arguing, the conversation may need another time. Ask when they can talk. An immediate safety concern needs a response now; it should not wait for an ideal conversation.

Consider privacy and whether you feel safe. A surprise gathering of relatives can change the conversation into something very different from a personal check-in. Do not involve children as witnesses or ask them to persuade the adult. If there have been threats or coercive behavior, The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you consider safety; wording alone cannot make a confrontation safe.

Listen without losing the concern you came with

After you explain, ask how they see it and let them answer. You may hear an account you disagree with. Try: “I hear that you thought someone else was collecting them. I still need us to arrange their care beforehand.” You can acknowledge their answer and keep the child’s care in view.

Their answer may reveal a misunderstanding about the event or a different kind of help they want. Follow that information before adding another proposal.

Offer help you can actually give

You might offer to sit beside them during a call, look at information together or provide a ride. Ask which help they want. Fear can make booking everything yourself feel necessary, but the person still needs to be involved in decisions about their care.

If they decline, say what remains available and what does not. You can keep the practical limit: “I cannot leave the pickup unconfirmed. We need another arrangement.” Avoid claiming that a particular response proves whether they want recovery.

SMART Recovery Family & Friends provides resources for supporters who want help with communication and their own decisions. Using support for yourself need not wait for the person to seek care.

Let the ending be honest

You may finish without agreement. Say what you did agree to, if anything, and avoid telling others that a conversation amounted to a treatment commitment. If you plan to return to the subject, name a workable time rather than promising to keep talking until they give the answer you want.

If the person describes a suicidal plan or another crisis, obtain help rather than agreeing to keep it secret. 988’s supporter guidance explains this distinction. A crisis response and an ordinary conversation about changing substance use are different tasks.