Codependency: What It Is and How to Stop
Codependency is a pattern, usually rooted in childhood, where your self-worth depends on taking care of other people. It develops in homes with addiction, abuse, or emotional neglect, and it can be unlearned through therapy, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), and boundary-setting.
What Does Codependency Mean?
Someone told you you're "codependent." You didn't know what they meant, but it felt like an insult. Maybe it felt true.
Here's what codependency means, and what to do about it.
What Is Codependency?
Codependency is when your sense of self comes from other people. Specifically, from taking care of them. You feel valuable when you're needed. You feel worthless when you're not.
It usually develops in childhood, often in homes with addiction, abuse, or emotional neglect. You learned that your job was to take care of everyone else's feelings. You learned to make yourself small so others would love you.
What Are the Signs of Codependency?
- You can't say no without feeling guilty
- You feel responsible for other people's feelings
- You stay in relationships that aren't good for you
- You put others' needs before your own
- Your self-worth depends on being needed
- You have trouble setting boundaries
- You attract (or are attracted to) people who need fixing
- You feel empty when you're alone
- You people-please even when it hurts you
- You can't identify what you want
How Does Codependency Develop?
You learned it. Usually as a kid. In a home where:
- A parent had addiction
- Emotions weren't safe to express
- You had to take care of others to survive
- Your needs came last (or didn't matter)
This was adaptive then. It's not serving you now.
What Can You Do About Codependency?
1. Start noticing.
When you want to say yes but you mean no, that's codependency. Start catching those moments.
2. Start small.
Say no to something small. See what happens. The world won't end.
3. Get a therapist.
Codependency is deep. A good therapist can help you untangle it.
4. Go to CoDA.
Codependents Anonymous is a 12-step program for codependent people. Meetings exist. It's free.
5. Read the book.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is the classic. Read it.
What's the Hard Truth About Codependency?
You can't make anyone else happy. You can barely make yourself happy. Trying to fix other people is a way to avoid your own problems.
Boundaries aren't selfish. They're healthy.
Where Do You Start?
- Notice the patterns. When do you people-please?
- Say no. Start small.
- Get support. CoDA, therapy.
- Read. "Codependent No More."
- Be patient. This didn't happen overnight.
- [Related: Guide - Adult Children of Alcoholics]
- [Related: Guide - Setting Boundaries]
You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. That's not love. That's burnout.
Generated by CleanDraft (https://cleandraftapp.com)
